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Happy Thanksgiving

I sincerely hope that all of my friends and loved ones have a great day today. I am excited today because we are having a goose for dinner and this will be my first time eating goose.

Writer's Block: Happy Turkey Day!

What are you most thankful for?
I am most thankful for the people around me who continually show me unconditional love and support. I don't know what I would do without them.

wishful thinking

I am writing today to wish all of my friends happy holidays and a really good end to the year. Things have been up and down for me but I feel like I am getting better with each passing day. I am still in love with the man of my dreams, and I am going to school online to become a pharmacy technician. Life is better than I ever expected it to be and I am thankful.

pain relief??

today i am going to have radio frequency ablation to my lower back in the hopes of relieving some of the pain that i've been dealing with.  i had similar procedures done in Toledo when i lived there, and they worked very well for me.   i am really tired of being in pain and i'm trying to lose weight, which will definitely help.  right now i am about 40 pounds above my ideal weight.  Lorence teases me about the size of my stomach, but it really is out of control.  i joined Overeaters Anonymous online, but i haven't really gotten serious about it.  all of that is going to change because i want to be able to do things with Lorence that i can't do right now because of my weight.  i think when we get home from the procedure, i willt take my manual chair out for a spin.  that is one good way for me to get some exercise.  i am also thinking about walking with my crutches to try and build up some stamina. 


looking forward to CLAW

a friend of mine is going to be vending there this year, and he gets 4 admissions for being a vendor.  two of those admissions are for Lorence and i.  i also signed up to volunteer because it is one way that i can give back to the local Leather community, and that is very important to me.  i'm also very excited about it because the current IML will be there, and he is a friend of mine as well.  i haven't seen him since i lived in Syracuse and he came to visit me there.  this year, i am going to try to make it to some of the workshops and stuff, because i didn't get to any the last time i was at CLAW, and i think they are important.

i screwed up again

cuz i didn't think about it or discuss it with Lorence and i ordered another cell phone so that i would have a phone of my own.  so now we will be paying even more for a phone and the internet.  even if we get the promotional discount that we are supposed to get, we'll still be paying more.  i am not sure what makes me do things like this; and, of course, Lorence is very angry.  am i subconsciously trying to ruin this relationship?  it seems that way and i don't understand it at all.  i have to work out these patterns if i'm ever going to be happy with myself.

evolving as an individual

i thought for a long time that i would never change, that i would always be the needy person that i had been since i was a child.  i am glad to be able to say, here and now, that i am no longer as needy as i had been.  i still have needs, just like anyone else, i am no longer focusing solely on those needs.  i have begun to focus my energy on the needs of another.  this is very different and difficult for me, but i am enjpoying it all the same.  my priorities have shifted to include another human being, and some of my furry companions as well.  this is a very new and unique position for me to be in and i'm not sure if i am happy or not.  all i know is that i am not nearly as depressed as i have been during this time of year in the past.  who would've thought that i could change after all this time?

does anyone actually read this???

i haven't been getting replies to my entries so i'm wondering where all my friends have gone.
Do you like to hear about your partner's exes? Does it make you jealous or forge greater intimacy?

i don't necessarily like to hear about his exes but it doesn't make me jealous.  i think it gives us a template for a better relationship because we can see what has gone wrong in past situations.

still not feeling sad

and i don't know what to think of that.  i keep thinking that i should be sad about my father dying, but i really don't.  i know that i can't really talk about this with either of my siblings, so i made an appointment with my therapist for thursday to talk about it.  hopefully, she can help me to get clear about what is going on.