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so, i got a call from my older sister yesterday telling me that my father had died at 3:30 am.  i had woken up at about the same time that morning because there was a really noxious smell in the house.  i thought the dog had farted, but it turns out that one of the cats had shit in the corner by my computer, and that was what i was smelling.  my father was in the hospital for a blockage in his colon, which was not life-threatening, and he died in his sleep.  the doctors can't explain it.  i guess he was just tired of fighting and having surgery.  he had had several surgeries dealing with different types of cancers, including pancreatic cancer, and he had told my step-mother that he was never going to have another surgery, in response to the doctors saying that he might need surgery to correct the blockage.  i guess he meant what he said.
my father and i didn't have all that great of a relationship so i'm not really feeling any sadness or anything like that.  actually, i'm not really feeling anything and it bothers me a little bit.  i think i should feel something.  when my sister first told me that my father had died, all i felt was a great sense of relief.  i've been carrying around a lot of baggage related to my father, and now i can finally let it go.  now 24 hours later, i don't feel anything and i
sometimes i wonder what my life is all about, but then i think i will determine my own destiny and forge my own path.

writing a book

so at the suggestion of Sir Lorence, the wonderful man in my life, i have decided to attempt to write a book about being in service (in a BDSM sense) and being disabled. by default it will be somewhat autobiographical, but i intend to do research as well.   i've come up with a preliminary questionnaire and was hoping that some of my friends here would be willing to fill it out, to the best of their abilities.

BDSM role
relationship status
disability status

how would you define disability?

were you disabled at birth or later in life?

how would you define service?

depending on your role, how does disability affect the service you give/receive?

what are some problems/issues you experience in serving with a disability?  being served by someone with a disability?

have you come up with any solutions to these problems/issues?

anything else you would like to share?

thank you all in advance for your help!

a story i wrote

this is a new story i wrote recently and i would like some feedback from my friends.

     Camping is one of our favorite activities. We try to go at least once a year, usually with a group of like-minded friends. It is a rare treat that we get to spend this much time together, without the worries of everyday life.

     The first day e sets up the tent, sweating and swearing as he works. I make several feeble attempts at assistance, feeling more impotent with each passing moment. My work will begin soon enough, as I will set up the inside of the tent, and I know how he likes it.

     After lunch, we hang out with friends, getting reacquainted. I enjoy this time, but I look forward to the evening. As the sun begins to set, he prepares for our activities. Dressed in snug black leather pants, a skintight black t-shirt, black leather vest, and a Master’s cover, he exudes power and dominance. His face is expressionless so it is difficult to tell what he is thinking’ what he plans to do to me and with me this evening. These thoughts make my body quiver with anticipation.

     Some of his tools turn out to be mundane items: plastic wrap, duct tape, and wooden clothespins. These things take on a whole new meaning when placed in his hands. I am more intrigued than ever, and I cannot imagine what lies in store for me.

     As darkness envelops the camp, he ties my hands behind my back and leads me into a wooded area a short distance from our campsite. After walking for a short hwile, he blindfolds me and places me with my back against a tree. I have no idea what is coming next, but I know that he has an evil imagination. He wraps me to the tree with the plastic wrap, talking as he works. His voice is low and sensuous as he tells me how much he loves me, how beautiful I look, how pleased he is to be there with me.

     He takes the blindfold off so that he can see my eyes as he continues to work. Suddenly, he is holding a knife. He holds the blade at eye level and tells me not to move. As the tip of the blade touches the corner of my eye, I can feel my heart beating in my throat. I d my best not to tremble as the blade slides down the side of my face to my throat, but the sensation leaves goose bumps on my skin.

     Just as I think he is going to slide the knife further down my body, I feel the tip of the blade sliding between my lips. I begin to open my mouth to receive the knife, but he stops me. He tells me to keep my mouth shut as the blade moves in and out of my mouth, sharp and hard, like a swollen, erect cock.

     He fucks my mouth with the knife for what seems like hours, and then his tongue replaces the knife in my throat. His eyes are open and bright as he rapes my mouth with his tongue. As his tongue continues to assault, I feel his hands caressing my body over the plastic wrap. Then I feel his hands around my throat. His hands and tongue continue to restrict my intake of air and I feel mnoisture dripping between my legs. He inflames a passion in me like nothing I’ve felt before.

     He cuts through the plastic wrap, unties my ahnds, and turns me around so I am facing the tree. He brings my arms together and reties my7 hands around the tree, in a bear hug. I feel his hands on my bare skin and I know that this is not close to being over. I feel him bite into my shoulder and I wonder if he will draw blood this time. Most of the time he holds part of himself back when we do this work, but I want him to let his beast out. I don’t know if he will. I think there is some fear there, but this night feels different. He has already gone beyond his usual limit. I believe that the breast will come out on this night and there is nothing either of us can do to stop it. His beast has a strong, almost insatiable, hunger for pain and blood. He has been able to hold it at bay in the past because he hans’t found a willing, naturally submissive, partner to satisfy his needs. I hope to be that partner.

     Pain is like a drug for me, and I crave it like an addict. His hands caress my body, encased in soft lambskin gloves, and it is an unexpected pleasure. I relish the feeling of his gloved hands because I know it will not last long. And then I feel the exquisite sting of a thick wooden paddle on my ass, and I recognize that our dance has begun.   There is no warm up to this pain, and I have to smile. At one time, in the not too distant past, I needed much more preparation for this kind of work, and I am sure he was frustrated by that. Now, however, there is little need for warm up; I am ready to take the pain he is offering and transform it into the energy he needs to maintain. It continually amazes me how well we work together. 

     The paddle crashes into my ass so quickly that I lose count of the strokes but, thankfully, I am not required to keep count tonight. He knows that when I begin to fly, my attention goes elsewhere; there have been times when he wanted to keep my attention with him and he would require a count of the strokes he administered. In those instances, if I lost count, he would start over again at one. He always wants me to remember who is in control, and I do.

     Suddenly, I feel his body against mine; his cock bulging in those tight leather pants, and I moan softly. The pain as the leather rubs against my bare, abraded skin is exhilarating. He grabs the back of my neck and pulls my face to his, forcing my lips open with his tongue and kissing me deeply. I hear him growl as his teeth sink into the tender skin on my neck and I know that he will feed tonight. As I feel the sucking sensation of his mouth receiving my blood, I am delirious with happiness. This is what I have been waiting the last for years for. We are forever bonded, by love and by blood. I am his and he is mine.

     He unties me from the tree, and lowers me gently to the ground. As I come back to reality, I see that his cock is out of his pants, dripping and ready. He enters me quickly and pounds himself into me, as if trying to reach my center. I can feel myself nearing orgasm and he begins to howl. Our mating is deep and strong, and as we cum together, I hear yelling and clapping around us. It is only then that I realize our friends have witnessed our union, and they obviously approve. Camp just keeps getting better and better.


September 13, 2010

Ethan Thomas Young

 i hope that you all enjoy this as much as i enjoyed writing it.  please let me know what you think!

just a quick update

things are going well here.  i am keeping busy with school and going to the library 3 or 4 times a week.  i'm still waiting for the rest of my stuff to come from Toledo, but otherwise, things are good.  Lorence and i are getting along well and the animals seem pretty happy, although Muggle is more neurotic than ever.  don't know what the deal is there.

Dental work and other miscellany...

well, i went to the dentist today and i thought i was just going to have some cavities filled (i had 4) but, as it turned out, they did that and they also extracted a root tip that had been left there by the dental clinic in Toledo over a year ago.  i was pleasantly surprised by the lack of pain during the extraction.  the worst part of it was the needle of anesthetic.  unfortunately, the anesthetic began to wear off within twenty minutes of the procedure.  luckily, there was a CVS pharmacy at the corner so i was able to get my pain meds and take them within half an hour of having the procedure done.  THANK GOD FOR PAIN MEDS!!!  right now, i am a little uncomfortable but not in any real pain.  i have to call the dentist on monday to find out if i still need to go to the oral surgeon.  when i had my teeth cleaned and did the x-rays last week, she wrote a referral for oral surgery, and the root tip was one of the reasons, and when i went for the consultation with the oral surgeon, he told me that if my wisdom tooth wasn't bothering me, he didn't need to take it out yet.  the wisdom tooth was the other reason for the referral.  at this point, if i can avoid oral surgery, i will.  i'm not going to be able to eat much tonight so i'm glad i had my Honey Nut Cheerios and a banana this morning.
Lorence is not home right now.  i am here with the cats and the dog.  he went to the store with his daughter, Lizzie.  i'm sure they will be gone for quite a while, and that is just fine with me.  i like being here by myself, which is a lot different than it was for me in Toledo.  when i was living in my apartment in Toledo, i hated to be by myself.  i think it has something to do with the sun.  it was really dark in that apartment and this house gets a lot more sun.  i can also sit out on the porch here, or go out onto the back deck.  i really couldn't do much of that in Toledo.

Cohabitation: a new experience for me...

i am living with my partner in a new place for both of us and it is definitely  something that i will have to get used to.   when they say that you really don't know someone until you live with them, i guess it is really true.  i mean, i knew that he was demanding and all that, but i didn't realize just how demanding he can be.  and he has a much shorter frustration fuse than i thought he did.  i've lived with a partner before, but she moved into my apartment, so it was not the same.  and i am stressed out about things that he doesn't seem to think are very importantt, but they are important to me.
a lot of my stuff isn't here yet, and i am worried that there won't be enough shelf space for all of it, and he keeps telling me not to worry.  i am a worrier by nature, so it is really difficult for me not to worry and this is stuff that is really important to me, like my books and my clothes (well, the rest of my clothes).
i think it will all work out, we've only been here for 20 days, but i didn't realize how much work it would be.

moving to Cleveland this Saturday...

Lorence and i got the house we were looking at and i will be leaving Toledo on Saturday, the 7th.  i will be taking the MegaBus in my power chair because that is the only way we can get the chair there.  not really looking forward to that because i will have to figure out how to get to our new house from the bus stop.  i'm usually pretty good at figuring out things like that, but i don't know Cleveland at all.  i may have to look things up  online.  i'm very excited and not a little bit nervous about the move, but i know it is a good thing.

so. life has been really good of late.  have been back from CampOUT for about a week and things are going well.  i am starting to get more stuff packed and ready to move to Dale and Miles' house.  i will be staying with them for two months and then moving to Cleveland with Lorence.  i also met a really nice guy named Charlie who i have been talking to pretty regularly lately.  he drove Lorence and i to campOUT, which was a lot of fun.  he and i seem to have a connection and i look forward to getting to know him better.  we originally "met" on fetlife when i answered his ad for piss partners.  we haven't done anything yet, but i am looking forward to pissing together.
i was finally approved for the Medicaid waiver program, so now i have a home health aide and nurse coming to my apartment on a regular basis and i will have help with the cleaning and laundry and all of the things i have trouble doing on my own.  the aide i have for monday through friday is named Tiana and she is really nice.  she does really good work, too.  i won't meet the aide i have for the weekends until sunday because i cancelled tomorrow to go to a meeting in Ypsilanti.  Charlie also invited me to go to Detroit Black Gay Pride after the meeting tomorrow.  i'm very excited because i've never been to this event.  i invited him to stay the night so that he wouldn't have to drive all the way back to Flint, but he said he needed to go home cuz his mom was complaining about him not being home much.

for me, spending is like getting high on heroin or crack, i get an incredible rush from it.  the rush is not the same as the first time i spend money that was meant for something else and i've been chasing that high for more than 30 years.  just like an alcoholic or drug addict chases that first drink or drug.  many people have said they think i have a problem, and i'm sure there are even more people who have thought it but not said anything to me.  i owe all those people a HUGE apology.  i'm truly and deeply sorry that i was not able to hear you, and i hope that one day we will cross paths again.
the other day when i was online, i googled '12 step programs for spending addiction,' and a program called Recoveries Anonymous came up.  when i went to the website www.r-a.org i found some really amazing literature to download.  i printed out all of the newcomers' guides and have been reading them and taking the information to heart.  this program is not exclusively for spending.  it is a program which offers solutions to negative behaviors and problems.  from what i've read thus far, this program is based on the 12 steps of AA, but they use the original Big Book (Multilith Big Book), which offers clear-cut directions to working the steps.  it is a solution-based program, and i believe that is what i need.
unfortunately, there are no meetings in Ohio, at least none that i could find, so for now, i will be working via the Internet and the telephone.  i asked for a sponsor who would be willing to work with me in this way, and i got an email from someone yesterday.  i am beginning to do what is outlined in the newcomers' guides, and i can already sense some changes in my attitude.
  i started meditating twice a day, and i have been writing more in my handwritten journal, which i am hoping will translate into more writing in this journal.